To Those Who Have Recently Taken My Money:

Health Insurance Company, please enjoy your 2009 profits. I don't know what you expect them to come to, but since you're raising my premium and my deductible and have shifted all of my prescription medications to the highest possible tier, I imagine they'll be rather nice.

Officer, I know it's technically against the law, but no other cop--even in this city--would actually put a ticket on a car parked eight feet from the crosswalk on a residential street. I think your sense of duty is smothering your sense of basic human decency. You might want to call it off.

Ann Taylor Loft, American Eagle, New York & Company, Eddie Bauer, J. Jill, and Aerosoles, your wares are entirely worth it. Thank you for the shocking sales and the lovely new wardrobe. As you can see, I've been kind of tightly wound lately, and I needed the pick-me-up.

Dear Ridiculous Customer,

In response to your parting comment ("It's too bad people have to be so bitchy and mean just to get what they want."):

You'd have to pay me a lot more than 35 bucks in store credit to act like that.