Dear Veterinarians of the World,

Please desist using soap to lubricate your thermometers. Because I have a cat that's half maniacal to begin with, and today, two hours after a routine checkup (just like six other, uneventful routine checkups she's had in her lifetime), she is still trying to lick her poor violated behind. And every time she tries, she ends up foaming at the mouth and running around the apartment like she's trying to escape her own mouth. Apparently, and I think any foul-mouthed child with disciplinarian parents could have told you this, soap tastes bad. This may not faze normal cats, but my cat is prone to trust issues. And when you can't trust your own butt, who can you trust?