Friday, February 23, 2007

Resisting the Spiral

Today's mail brought my second rejection letter--this one from my first-choice school. Because it's one of the best programs in the country and I didn't really expect to get in, I'm not as upset as one might expect. But I won't deny that some serious self-pity is starting to swirl in my head. I get caught up in the idea that because I went to a state university (where I know I got a good education), because I'm not solidly bilingual, because I'm not a published writer, because I don't have a fantastic story about overcoming adversity to come just this close to achieving my one dream (to be a writer and literary critic and college professor), and because I've lived in the same unromantic state for 26 years, I will never be among the handful of people selected from the hundreds of applications. For days now, I've been subconsciously convincing myself that I'm utterly unexceptional. And damn it, that has to stop.

So my goal for today, after I do the dishes and before I work on writing an article I've been toying with for almost a month, I'm going to sit down and make a list of the reasons I should get into at least one PhD program. Because if--if--I don't get into any, I need something to save me from interpreting that experience as hard evidence of my own unworthiness.


Blogger Laura B. said...

Amber, I am sorry. I think it's a good idea to make the list---No matter what, it's good to have lists like that lying around for the times when the spirit needs a major boost!
I'll be thinking of you---

2/23/2007 5:07 PM  
Blogger Loralee Choate said...

That sucketh a duck, Amber. I hate when insecurities start plauging my mind. I know that it is tempting to give yourself up to insecurity, but please don't. I had no idea what to expect when I met you and I was so completely delighted. I know that this is just coming from a kooky housewife in Utah with 400 credits and no degree yet, but truly, you need to give yourself a lot of credit.

2/24/2007 12:15 AM  

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