Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Inconvenient Fears

I woke this morning heavily laden with the effects of last night's too-much wine. Dizzy and acutely aware of my stomach, I started the day cautiously on the couch, munching a bagel and sipping room temperature water. I'm better now, mostly, but despite a hot shower, a cup of tea, and half an hour on the front porch with a book and a warm breeze, my head feels nebulous and guilt has begun to settle in my chest, right in the space made by a new and beautiful and comforting development: my new house is home now. It even looks like it.

But with nearly all of the unpacking out of the way, I no longer have an excuse for putting off other necessary duties. For instance, now I need to focus enormous shares of energy on finding a job. And since I'm all about the honesty, I want to admit at this juncture that I'm scared to look for a job. Because I've already applied for several and had only one disappointing bite on my resume, I feel convinced that I'm doing it wrong. No matter what the ad says, it can't be enough to simply mail/fax/email a resume and letter of interest. And yet, what if applying in person is disruptive or otherwise undesirable? Also, I'm shy. I can usually fake confidence, but I dread standing in front of strangers and trying to sell myself. Sending paper into the void is much more comfortable, and if I'm expressly invited to stand in front of a stranger who knows a little about me, well, then I feel better about selling myself.

But at the moment I feel discouraged and naive and sort of holed up in my comfy little corner of the city. I don't feel free to move around here like I did in Bemidji. I don't feel like I have anywhere to go, even when I do actually need groceries or shaving cream or cat litter. I wait until Eric gets home from work to cater to those needs, because he can come with me then, and he belongs to the Twin Cities: he has a job.

This is a fearful and aggravating vicious circle. Today I will make a long to-do list (with "find a job" at the very top) that I hope will pull every element of that circle into a line and make it real and doable and less frightening. I hope.


Blogger Froyd said...

You know what may help? The next day, or the day after that, of emailing your resume, call with some specific questions about the job.

and then ask when a good time to call again to check on the job would be.

This shows interest, also might help you talk your way into a different job at where you want to work. Just keep it up, I'm sure you'll find a job.

8/08/2006 2:46 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

Oh cool. Thanks for the advice.

8/08/2006 2:56 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

Just something to make you feel better: it took my sister a year of full-on job hunting to get her first "real" job after graduating with an engineer degree. It seems to me that English related fields are an even harder to break into. Be patient. And good luck. I'm sure you'll find something soon.

In the meantime have fun getting to know the city. Do something crazy and go buy cat litter! ha! Isn't it funny how even the smallest thing can feel like an adventure down here??

I'm jealous that you have all your stuff unpacked already. We have too much shit.

8/08/2006 4:19 PM  
Blogger Loralee Choate said...

I absolutely hate the feeling of being out of your comfort zone.

I think that Froyd and Jessie had excellent ideas.

I envy your location!

8/08/2006 4:25 PM  
Blogger Natasjia said...

I feel almost exactly the same way as you (just with less urgency about the job) -- and I was thinking the same holed-up thoughts today as I sat on my floor unpacking candles and watching my favorite tv show. Guilty and nervous. So...I think we should pick a day this week and find a fun lunch place and go tea shopping and other things. I meant to tell you that before we left, but I was in a sugar coma.

8/08/2006 11:36 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

Natasha, we should definitely do that. You know my schedule's open...as long as it isn't Sunday or Monday. (Eric's days off, when I think half the people we know down here are lining up to visit.)

8/09/2006 11:07 AM  

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